First try? Lies!
Nah, I'm not buying that this is your first try. It sounds fine to me, so stop beating yourself up and ride the music that you have with you. The piece works wonderfully and with the exception of the high pitched sound you've got acting as a melody, I'd say it all works well.
Perhaps looking at the structure of the tune around something like verse - chorus - verse - chorus, you can work something else into it and get the variation when you need it, while coming back to the tried and tested chorus lines, to get away from the more radical areas of the experimentation.
Certainly a piece packed with potential, I'd like to hear more and see how you can take this forward. Things like vocals could be used to improve the layout of the piece, because the occasional vocal sample can make all the difference to the sound, because it draws the ear away from the tune, subtly.
[Review Request Club]