Congrats on all the blams!
You know, I stopped shaving to think of something to write here. That worked out well.
Will Cooper
@Coop
Age 41, Male
Author / NG Mod
Old Skool
Vancouver, CANADA
Joined on 4/28/04
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Thanks - plenty more where these came from!
At 250 per month, it'll take you decades to reach the top.
Well, we'll see - I will just carry on Blamming and getting myself further up the rankings.
HELLO MR. HOMOSEXUAL GORDON FREEMAN,
ARE YOU THE MOD WHO TOLD ME THERE IS A KKEY TO MAKE THOSE LETTERS SMALL?
ONLY PEOPLE WITH SMALL PENISES WRITE LIKE YOU
KAY BYE
PS; THERE IS NO KEY
Sweet, I got compared to Gordon Freeman. If you want to test me again, just carry on ;)
kthxbai
shit i feel like im a troll
Nah - if you were a troll, I'd have banned you by now :P
The content was interesting, the delivery was decent, but the voice was, to me, unengaging.
The most I can comment on the content is that it's interesting. You build on an idea, and the story is intriguing enough to encourage being read. I don't think you're looking for a plot doctor, nor do I think you need one in this case, so I won't say any more about the content beyond what I have.
The delivery was decent. I'm a fan of biased perspective, and I don't think you applied a very distinguishable bias to the narrative, which really weakened your delivery and adversely affected characterization.
Your voice, I think, really needs to be developed further. It feels very stuffy. Your narrator is also very passive, telling in some places where it should be shown, and not meeting the reader head on.
Here's an example:
---------------------------
1. The cut and thrust of Zendra's sword was ruthless and sometimes wild, while the man he fought back-to-back with conducted himself with much more efficiency.
2. After the first few had merely been parried with his good arm, he brought his right arm to good use and carved a deep slash up through the chest of one advancing aberration.
----------------------------
1. The sentence is very dry, almost mathematical. You're saying here that the cut and thrust is rutheless and wild, but what does that mean to me? You need to show how the two fighters are fighting differently, and how the latter is a more efficient fighters.
2. This is a very passive voice, clumping a few swings together, then breaking out into an almost active voice, but stil facing the same dry, mathematical sound of the previous sentence.
Between the two sentences, the narrator isn't strongly Zendra, although in some places elsewhere in the narrative you know that it's his perspective. You need to bring your scope in tighter, focus on delivering Zendra's view of the battlefield, his reverence for the mature fighter counter part, and his battle lust; get really gritty.
Ultimately I feel that addressing your own voice, and how you want to deliver your story, will really help to conjoin the latter two points made above, with the former. The idea was solid, the content was there, but the delivery and voice weren't on par. The story is not bad, by no means. But it feels more like a husk, with no heart. Work on the heart of your technique, and I think the story itself will become a lot more engaging, and the narrative will flow a lot better.
Thanks for the input. I guess I've got my work cut out with you stalking my work now :P
I'm a little confused seeing that you seem to think it is Zendra narrating this piece... It's narrated by a non-character (if I can be such a thing, considering my alter-ego is the main protagonist)
Perhaps I should stand up and give a performance of it, to see how I feel it flows, before publishing the next instalment?
Thanks for fixing the Zombie Thread. You kick ass man.
I try - Caterpillar make good steel toe-capped boots :P
Coop
In honour of Greg Cook, I hereby declare this to be comment # 38.